Adding #4 to our family hasn’t been a dramatic change. I’ve had an easy recovery and Hannah is an easy baby. She still sleeps most of the day. Picking up Asher from school every day is probably the hardest part of having four children. But I have a gripe about going out in public with four children. Not to brag, but I have really great kids. I think I do anyway and that is all that matters in this scenerio. EVERY time I’m out with my children, even when Asher is in school and I just have the 3, I get so many negative comments. I can not tell you how many times I’ve heard the comment, “You have your hands full!” while out with my children. People ask me if I’m done yet, people tell me 2 boys and 2 girls is a good place to stop. People suggest that I probably don’t want to have the next one too soon. What? My demeanor is such that people don’t usually talk to me when I’m out by myself. I’m pretty shy and I mind my own business and I think I send subconcious signals for people to leave me alone. But when I have my children out for some reason people feel compelled to make comments… And very seldomly are they positive. I do get the occasional “You have beautiful children” from the older folks. Maybe because they are from a different time when a family of 6 was more common. But this is also the age of TV and how many shows are there on TLC about large families? What kind of things do you hear when you have 10 or 17 kids in tow? Two moms were waiting to pick up their kids outside of school when I rolled up with Hila and Gabe in the stroller and Hannah strapped to me in the Bjorn. They had a whole conversation to each other about my family before asking me how many I had in school. I told them and they said, in a condescending way, “More power to you.” I don’t think I’m being overly sensative. If the comments were meant to be encouraging I think I’d feel that. So I’ve been trying to come up with an appropriate response. Something that says, “Don’t you dare feel sorry for me. I love what I do, and these children are amazing!” without having to say all that. So I’m thinking next time instead of smiling and nodding I’ll say, “You have no idea.” with a smile and be on my way. I do love what I do. And that doesn’t mean that its easy and blissful every moment. But the moments that count are truly joyful. I feel extremely blessed. I just wish that everyone else could see that.
October 30, 2007
October 31, 2007 at 1:05 am
This is an interesting topic. I think my problem would be accidentally looking irritated when saying “you have no idea”, thereby making them think I’m agreeing with them that it’s terrible. I wonder if saying “I wouldn’t have it any other way” would get the point across. (Or was that your idea from the last time we talked?)
I go back and forth with this issue actually. There are times when I want sympathy for how hard this is. Particularly from my husband. But then again, I also want people to envy what I do. And complaining about being frazzled and outnumbered makes childless people think they’re the smart ones for opting out. I’ve learned that complaining and agreeing that I must be in over my head just makes me look an idiot.
I guess my beef is that people don’t seem to revere what we do day to day as honorable and noble. Nor do they think only a select few could stomach it (particularly multiple boys), BUT, that those few who could do it go on to reap the best, most envied rewards. Basically I want to be royally envied for what I get to do and admired and maybe even feared that I am capable of doing it. (Wait a second, based on my calculations, people should be worshiping me!)
I know that I don’t want people feeling glad they’re not me.
Remarks in the negative, I guess, should just be generally avoided. I wouldn’t tell the post office clerk “Yikes, look at the GIANT bin of mail you still have to sort; you’re gonna be busy tonight!”
November 1, 2007 at 3:57 am
I guess you really can’t win as a mom. You are right about people not respecting and admiring motherhood. Maybe its always been this way.