Jessicarrot

Ever since I got my cancer diagnosis I have felt myself fortunate that my children are too young to be afraid of the word cancer. In fact, the three youngest were there when I got the news. And they were there when the counselor came in to talk to me afterward. And maybe that was when I was supposed to break down. But I was prepared for the news. I could not be afraid in front of my children. I don’t know that they would have noticed. They were too busy arguing, blissfully unaware that anything could disrupt their innocent lives. If I’m honest, I was a little scared. But then I had no idea. I had read about treatment and reassured myself that this was “the good cancer”. No chemo, no hair loss. Really good prognosis. Somehow between then and now the reality has sunk in. Cancer is never good. And it is not something you can just fix. Its something you live with. I intend to live with it a long time. But there will always be reminders. The 4 inch scar on my neck, the yearly scans. The thyroid pills I have to take every day. I’m preparing for my first radioactive iodine treatment. Much preferred over chemo, but no picnic for sure. I am terrified to be away from my children for a week or more. I am terrified of actually being a physical danger to them while radioactive iodine passes through my body. I think this would be easier if my children were older. Only easier on me though. If they were older I’d have to have that conversation with them and we’d have to talk about what cancer is. This illusion shattered this morning over breakfast, or so I thought. Asher asked me, seriously between bites of toast, “Mom what’ does cancer mean?” I was totally caught off guard. Did he hear me talking about cancer? I know his Kindergarten teacher missed school one day to go to her husband’s oncology appointment, maybe he heard about cancer from her? I said, “Why, where did you hear about cancer?” He said, “You know, in the movie Grandma got ran over by a reindeer?” I was trying to think how cancer fit in to that ridiculous cartoon I let my kids watch too many times over Christmas… Then Asher explained, “Santa said we’ll have to CANCEL Christmas.” “Oh, Cancel!” I said. Phew. Cancel I can handle. (Asher pronounces “L” like an “R” sometimes)

I have been hooked on Masterpiece Theater for the past 5 weeks. I haven’t been this into it since The Forsyte Saga. How could you not love the disturbingly flawed Soames? I can’t think of Damian Lewis as anyone else but Soames! It started with the MT version of Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre. It is absolutely the best on screen version of Jane Eyre that I’ve seen. This Mr. Rochester was so much more love-able than others I’ve seen. The actress who played Jane was perfect. She was just pretty enough at a certain angle but still “plain” enough to match Bronte’s description. Immediately after Jane Eyre, they started advertising The Complete Jane Austin. First was Persuasion, then Northhanger Abbey and yesterday Mansfeild Park. If you’ve read the books the 1.5 hour film adaptation is not quite sufficient. But I love them anyway. I haven’t read Mansfeild Park yet so it was by far my favorite in the series. Its good stuff to watch while folding laundry.

I just got an email with the news that Gordon B. Hinckley, our Prophet has died. He has been the prophet for my entire adult life. I read his biography while I was in college and I came to love and appreciate how hard he has worked for our church, his whole life. Starting immediately after returning from his mission. He’s had a hand in the Church’s public affairs since the 1930’s I guess. What I loved most about his biography was learning about him as a father and husband. He lived a long and full life. I do not feel sad when people who have lived good lives pass away. Sad that we won’t hear from him anymore in this life. But I know that he is reunited with his wife and family that passed on before. I know that he has to be feeling the great joy that his life produced. I am just a bit shocked. I’ve dreamed of Gordon B. two times. The first time I dreamed that I met him and he was somehow aware of my life. I woke up and googled his name to make sure he was still alive. The second time was just last night. I was trying to describe to my husband the scene. I was telling him that last time I dreamed of the Prophet I googled him to make sure he was still with us. As soon as I said those words I scanned my incoming emails and one of them was from my friend titled, “Pres. Hinckely has died”. I understand he died at home with his family around him. I don’t think there could be a better way to pass from this world to the next.

BJay after Asher’s haircut:

“Asher, do you like your curls?”

Asher:

“No. I used to love them, but I broke up with them. Now I like my hair flat.”

I had a really mushy post going about Asher and how he’s changed my life, but I guess the universe rejected it because my web browser suddenly shut down near the end of it. Oh well. I am so amazed that I have a 6 year old boy and I love and adore him tremendously. We spent his day going to a movie, shopping for his presents, and eating food he picked. (He picked Chinese, but then decided he didn’t reallyy like Chinese food.) We got to chill with Aunt Jamie while we were there and took a tour of her work. Lots of guys in dark rooms staring at computer screens. Some of them, very stereotypical programmers. It was fun. I’ll post pictures of our adventures and Asher’s haul tomorrow. We got back late (on a school night) and I just finished baking cupcakes for Asher’s class. (He didn’t have school today.) I love you Asher!

I had a meeting with the school psychologist this morning regarding Asher. Rewind 5 months: In the first week of Kindergarten Asher’s teacher sent a note asking me to meet with her. I like his teacher a lot. She’s got a really positive, bubbly personality. When I met with her she told me that Asher was really far behind his classmates. It wasn’t a huge surprise to me. He had never shown any interest in picking up a pencil or crayon. So his teacher asked me if I would agree to have Asher evaluated to see if he qualified for extra help. At that point he wasn’t able to write his name (obviously) and when they asked him to draw, he would only scribble. That wasn’t at all alarming to me at the time. Nobody was throwing around words like “Autism” or “Asbergers” at that point. I just figured that Asher was on his own pace and that he’d eventually catch up. After all, I’m pretty sure that at least 80% of his peers had had at least one year of preschool. I don’t remember anyone cramming reading and writing down my throat at 5, so I really wasn’t worried. And every day I would sit down with Asher and do his insane amount of homework (for a Kindergartner). At first he was pretty frustrated. We would just have him trace his letters and his name. But before long he was writing on his own, confidently. And I was surprised when he would bring home his take home reader books and was able to read them to me without much help. Along with the take home reader was a journal he was supposed to write about the book and draw a picture. I coached him through drawing and he has improved incrementally there too. Overall I am really proud of Asher’s progress. He has worked so hard. And in 5 short months he’s gone from not being able to hold a pencil properly to writing full sentences (with help) and drawing pictures with bodies. Rudimentary they may be, but when you compare them to where he started, he’s made a ton of progress.

So this morning the school Psychologist had me come in. She started off by saying that Asher is a very sweet, tenderhearted boy. And then she said that she wanted to prepare me for the meeting we have on Feb 1st with the “team” of people who have evaluated Asher. (Asher’s teacher, the speech therapist, occupational therapist, special Ed, Principal) She had me fill out surveys on Autism and Asbergers and according to my answers, Asher doesn’t fall in the range. But according to his teacher’s answers he possibly has Asbergers, and likely is on the Autism spectrum. I don’t feel like she’s picking on my kid. I know she sees him in a social setting, and she’s seen a lot more 5 year olds than I have. Then the Psychologist showed me Asher’s writing samples and his self portrait. I thought, wow he’s doing so great. And she said that his self portrait was at a 3-4 year old level. So bottom line, he’s average in everything but fine motor (writing) and math. We can get extra help for him if we agree with his teacher’s assessment that he has mild Asbergers syndrome. He doesn’t qualify for extra help from the occupational therapist for just being behind in fine motor skills. Nor does he qualify for help with math. But if he is considered Autistic, he can get extra help…even though fine motor and struggling in math doesn’t necessarily fit into the Asberger’s syndrome. The Psychologist just wanted to give us time to decide what we want to do before we meet with everyone. I appreciated that. But all day I’ve been searching myself for the ways I’ve failed as a mother, either genetically or by not working with him more before now, or not recognizing things I should have. Asbergers is mostly a social disorder. And frankly if it existed when I was a kid, I probably would have been diagnosed with it. I remember sitting on the swings at recess making up songs instead of playing with the other kids. And why didn’t I make Asher color? Or at least learn how to write his name? I got totally caught up in all the things that might be wrong with my kid and how its my fault. Then I called my sister-in-law in CA who home-schools her kids to ask her what made her decide to pull them out of public school. I don’t think I’m there yet. Asher still enjoys going to school. I think he’s benefited from his teacher’s positive personality and it seems to have rubbed off on him. After talking to my sil I realized that I was getting too caught up in what Asher can’t do and I need to focus on how much progress he’s made. He may have trouble connecting with his peers, but he’s made progress there too. School is a totally new environment for him and he’s adjusting at his own pace. This is exactly what I was worried about when I put Asher in public school to begin with. I talked with another mother of a girl in Asher’s class who didn’t go to preschool. She has her daughter in tutoring two days a week. In Kindergarten. Do you remember anything about Kindergarten that would have required tutoring? I have no doubt there is something wrong with the system when even the school Psychologist questions the developmental appropriateness of the curriculum. I’m just in the uncomfortable position of wondering when the benefits stop outweighing the risks as far as my son is concerned. Its a fine line. Do I want him labled as mildly Autistic? Because according to the Psychologist its totally up to BJay and I to decide if he does or not. And if we disagree with the teacher’s assessment is she going to be harder on him? I get the sense that everyone wants Asher to suceed in school, but I think our ideas of success are really different. To me, he IS very successful. To the system, he’s a few years behind. Already they are looking toward 1st grade, which is even more difficult and possibly even more developmentally inapropriate. I am so afraid that all this stress and pressure is going to destroy my boy’s confidence. And how do you recover that once its taken? Already it breaks my heart when Asher is stressed about wearing his new shoes to school because the kids might laugh at him. Where did childhood go?