I had a meeting with the school psychologist this morning regarding Asher. Rewind 5 months: In the first week of Kindergarten Asher’s teacher sent a note asking me to meet with her. I like his teacher a lot. She’s got a really positive, bubbly personality. When I met with her she told me that Asher was really far behind his classmates. It wasn’t a huge surprise to me. He had never shown any interest in picking up a pencil or crayon. So his teacher asked me if I would agree to have Asher evaluated to see if he qualified for extra help. At that point he wasn’t able to write his name (obviously) and when they asked him to draw, he would only scribble. That wasn’t at all alarming to me at the time. Nobody was throwing around words like “Autism” or “Asbergers” at that point. I just figured that Asher was on his own pace and that he’d eventually catch up. After all, I’m pretty sure that at least 80% of his peers had had at least one year of preschool. I don’t remember anyone cramming reading and writing down my throat at 5, so I really wasn’t worried. And every day I would sit down with Asher and do his insane amount of homework (for a Kindergartner). At first he was pretty frustrated. We would just have him trace his letters and his name. But before long he was writing on his own, confidently. And I was surprised when he would bring home his take home reader books and was able to read them to me without much help. Along with the take home reader was a journal he was supposed to write about the book and draw a picture. I coached him through drawing and he has improved incrementally there too. Overall I am really proud of Asher’s progress. He has worked so hard. And in 5 short months he’s gone from not being able to hold a pencil properly to writing full sentences (with help) and drawing pictures with bodies. Rudimentary they may be, but when you compare them to where he started, he’s made a ton of progress.
So this morning the school Psychologist had me come in. She started off by saying that Asher is a very sweet, tenderhearted boy. And then she said that she wanted to prepare me for the meeting we have on Feb 1st with the “team” of people who have evaluated Asher. (Asher’s teacher, the speech therapist, occupational therapist, special Ed, Principal) She had me fill out surveys on Autism and Asbergers and according to my answers, Asher doesn’t fall in the range. But according to his teacher’s answers he possibly has Asbergers, and likely is on the Autism spectrum. I don’t feel like she’s picking on my kid. I know she sees him in a social setting, and she’s seen a lot more 5 year olds than I have. Then the Psychologist showed me Asher’s writing samples and his self portrait. I thought, wow he’s doing so great. And she said that his self portrait was at a 3-4 year old level. So bottom line, he’s average in everything but fine motor (writing) and math. We can get extra help for him if we agree with his teacher’s assessment that he has mild Asbergers syndrome. He doesn’t qualify for extra help from the occupational therapist for just being behind in fine motor skills. Nor does he qualify for help with math. But if he is considered Autistic, he can get extra help…even though fine motor and struggling in math doesn’t necessarily fit into the Asberger’s syndrome. The Psychologist just wanted to give us time to decide what we want to do before we meet with everyone. I appreciated that. But all day I’ve been searching myself for the ways I’ve failed as a mother, either genetically or by not working with him more before now, or not recognizing things I should have. Asbergers is mostly a social disorder. And frankly if it existed when I was a kid, I probably would have been diagnosed with it. I remember sitting on the swings at recess making up songs instead of playing with the other kids. And why didn’t I make Asher color? Or at least learn how to write his name? I got totally caught up in all the things that might be wrong with my kid and how its my fault. Then I called my sister-in-law in CA who home-schools her kids to ask her what made her decide to pull them out of public school. I don’t think I’m there yet. Asher still enjoys going to school. I think he’s benefited from his teacher’s positive personality and it seems to have rubbed off on him. After talking to my sil I realized that I was getting too caught up in what Asher can’t do and I need to focus on how much progress he’s made. He may have trouble connecting with his peers, but he’s made progress there too. School is a totally new environment for him and he’s adjusting at his own pace. This is exactly what I was worried about when I put Asher in public school to begin with. I talked with another mother of a girl in Asher’s class who didn’t go to preschool. She has her daughter in tutoring two days a week. In Kindergarten. Do you remember anything about Kindergarten that would have required tutoring? I have no doubt there is something wrong with the system when even the school Psychologist questions the developmental appropriateness of the curriculum. I’m just in the uncomfortable position of wondering when the benefits stop outweighing the risks as far as my son is concerned. Its a fine line. Do I want him labled as mildly Autistic? Because according to the Psychologist its totally up to BJay and I to decide if he does or not. And if we disagree with the teacher’s assessment is she going to be harder on him? I get the sense that everyone wants Asher to suceed in school, but I think our ideas of success are really different. To me, he IS very successful. To the system, he’s a few years behind. Already they are looking toward 1st grade, which is even more difficult and possibly even more developmentally inapropriate. I am so afraid that all this stress and pressure is going to destroy my boy’s confidence. And how do you recover that once its taken? Already it breaks my heart when Asher is stressed about wearing his new shoes to school because the kids might laugh at him. Where did childhood go?
January 18, 2008 at 7:28 am
Oh, Jess. This post broke my heart. I TOTALLY feel ya! I had a talk with Addie’s teacher this week myself, about kind of an opposite problem–academic excellence, but social bossiness and disrespect (what!?). It’s report card time and we are goign to meet next week, but she wanted to talk to me about Addie being defiant in class. We talked and decide the root might be her going to bed problems (whcih she’s had since she was born–the kid fights sleep like a warrior–a few times when she was a toddler, we’d just give up and let her wander around the house while we tried to sleep). i have been working with our pediatrician for about 4 months on getting Heidi adn Addie enough sleep–teh doc believes that is at the root of behavior problems, They got to bed at 6:45 now! And we’re trying a few dietary things…
Anyway, that’s just rambling, but what I was going to say is that it is so easy to blame yourself for things, to try and nail down the cause for things, to believe it had somuch to do with you as a mother. Here’s the thing: I don’t think that a “label” would really stick–I think it’s a great opportunity to get extra help and you can always take him out of the system if you need to. Also, my BYU boyfriend was a beautiful genius who had been diagnosed with mild autism with some savant tendencies ( he was a brilliant mathematician, artist, and composer)–he was awesoem at a lot of things, but not athletics or socializing (we were quite the pair
). He kind of foudn his niche in HS and college (but then began to struggle with bipolar disorder–so sad). Anyway, my point is that regardless of what happens in school, his spirit is in there and it’s strong and gifted to handle all he needs to experience in life. Let the Spirit teach you how to help him and let him have the experiences he needs to have.
I am having a real struggle with letting kids be kids these days, too. I let Addie quit ballet because she just wanted to be home with me and I think that’s a GOOD thing at 5 or 6 years old. I also struggle with buying her appropriate clothes and limiting her “worldliness”–letting her be a little girl instead of a “tween”–ALREADY! Anyway, it’s late and I am rambling, but I just wanted to tell you that I understand where you are coming from, and I think my mantra (which came to me as an answer to a prayer I said years ago for Addie) might help…HF taold me, “She’s MY daughter, too, and I can be with her always and everywhere.” A good point. I try to have faith in that and be a good steward over these three babies. I wish you peace and confidence in your decision.
January 18, 2008 at 9:02 am
Jessica,
That’s quite a dilemma! Holy cow.
For starters, I have all kinds of things to say about you questioning your mothering. I have, on more than one occasion, felt completely insecure after seeing what Hila can do in contrast to Nixon. Hila was writing her name when Nixon was still refusing to color or draw (and scribbling before getting annoyed whenever I’d try to make him). My point is that you absolutely seek out what’s best for each of your children – I mean you specifically, as I’ve seen how you’ve parented since Asher was born. You can’t just stick a marker in a kid’s hand and “make him” color. They’re little, opinionated individuals who will almost exclusively involve themselves only in those things that interest them. I wish I could force things on my kids – but that’s an entirely different teaching style. It’s disciplined (possibly effective in different ways), but it’s flat and draining in my opinion. I think you and I share the ideology that learning is a universal and exciting part of life. It’s not a twelve-step program.
As for the decision you’ll have to make. Yikes, that’s tough. But I don’t doubt that you’ll do what’s best. I suppose no child’s educational career is perfect. Hopefully the hyper active curriculum will have benefits later on. Especially if Asher thrives on detail-oriented activities, like BJay does. I’m sure he’ll be advanced in that area (like BJay) and he’ll need an environment that offers options and a variety of stimulation. (But either way, you can’t overlook all the ways you’ve encouraged Asher’s learning and development. The deliberately chosen toys, the projects, the discussions…)
Did you ever read that book I used to talk about, “Einstein Never Used Flash Cards”? It seems like that might apply here, or at least with weighing his school’s curriculum. I would have to read it again before saying it’s doctrine, but they do have a really inspiring approach to early learning. It’s so encouraging! Their main assertion is that the things we do intuitively with our children are usually exactly what the child needs neurologically at that time.
I sure hope I’m making sense. It’s so late! I’m barely functioning. Good luck with this issue. -Crysta
January 18, 2008 at 9:05 am
Okay so your timestamp has got to be off. It’s 1 am, not 9:30. good night!
January 18, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Wow, I thought I was done crying about this. Jamie, you are awesome! I love your mantra about our children being Heavenly Father’s too. And that is funny, Piper and I were just wondering if being overly social is a Syndrome as well. LOL. I think you are right about sleep making the difference. I know when Asher doesn’t go to be on time he has a harder time in school.
madre,
We were both up too late lastnight. I hope you aren’t suffering today like I am. Thank you so much for the encouragement. It is so hard not to compare children…was it you who said don’t compare your child’s weakness to another’s strength? Anyway if I’m going to get a compliment on mothering it is pretty high praise coming from you. I haven’t read that book yet. I did check for it in my library on the way home from school today, but alas, Pinehurst library isn’t much.
Thank you both so much. Both of your encouragement means a lot.
January 21, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Just plain wow. I don’t even know what to say.
January 23, 2008 at 12:59 am
ok Jess, I love the other two comments and I think that getting Asher extra help and allowing teachers to be more understanding of the way he is is just what he needs to make it through public school. Instead of them always comparing him to the standard they will only compare him to himself and that is really what every kid needs. Hopefully this would only help Asher. BTW you are an awesome mom and you have given Asher everything he has needed in his life so far that is why Heavenly Father sent him to you.