In college I fell in love with India. There was some unexplained connection for me. All it took was one slide show of the busy, chaotic streets of Bombay and I was hooked. I was transformed. I was 19 and living at home and I knew that had to go to India.
When I made it to India (a few months later) I had the opportunity to have a religious tour from one of my traveling companion’s friends. He was a Sikh by birth but fancied himself a religious scholar. When he was explaining the pantheon of Hindu Gods he said something I still find quite remarkable. He compared the entire pantheon of Gods and Goddesses to the Christian concept of the Trinity. (Something that strengthened my belief that God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit are separate beings.) If three beings can be one, why not a thousand? Why not a hundred thousand? There are all these ways of approaching God, all these different aspects of God but really they are all One God. I love the artwork and imagery of the Hindu Gods. One Goddess that I think westerners find particularly interesting is Kali. The mother Goddess.
Our vision of mother is a little more…gentle. The “dark mother” is about female power. She is an incarnation of the Goddess Durga, formed from the sweat of her brow during a fierce battle. Durga is companion to Lord Shiva and protects the earth from evil. In the battle Kali was born into, she was so focused and fierce she actually went a little nuts and started a homicidal rampage. (As evidenced by her belt of human arms and severed heads.) To stop her from destroying everything, Shiva threw himself at her feet. Kali was so startled from her rage that she stuck out her tongue and this is how she is depicted in most Hindu images of her. Why this (sometime) homicidal psychopath resonates with me? Motherhood is powerful. When I had my first son I understood Kali. I described my feelings to other people in a non-Hindu way by explaining that having my newborn son made me feel fierce and primal, like a mother dog. I finally understood why mother animals growl at you when you want to touch their babies. There is this primal protective feeling you have for your babies. I may have got an extra dose because when I have a newborn I never tire of holding them. I feel physically on edge when someone wants to hold my babies. Like I might go unhinged or something. Not everyone can relate to this feeling. But I feel like I must be some kind of normal because this imagery was picked up over a thousand years ago. Kali is about the unexplained power of women. We bleed without being injured or feeling significant pain. We birth children, an absolute feat of physics. And most importantly, as mothers we have the power to calm, comfort and sooth our children with touch. With our hands and arms we solve almost every trouble a child can have. With my first baby, being inexperienced I let people talk me into making my baby learn how to sooth himself by dumping him in his crib and walking away. Its a good practice I think, teaching babies to put themselves to sleep. But I am not cut out for it. I much prefer rocking my babies to sleep. I love watching them drift off and I love being the last thing they see before falling to sleep and the first person there in the morning. They are only babies for such a short time. When I got cancer I felt my mortality. I was confident that I would survive, but being mortally flawed just gives you a new sense of time. Of what you may not have. What I love about being a mother is that my children run to me when they are upset. I love that they want to climb up into my lap when I’m blogging. I love that when they are afraid they want to be near me. It will not always be so. There will be a time when they won’t want me. That is just the natural order of things. Time is just speeding up faster and faster and I am not afraid. My magical mothering powers will only last so long. Then they’ll move on to another deity. Hopefully the one I’ve taught them about.
I am not a Hindu but I get it. I’m entertained by the stories and I find the artwork beautiful and moving. One of my treasures I brought back from India is a soapstone sculpture of Sarasvati, Goddess of learning and wisdom. I love what it represents. And I love what Kali represents to me. The very pit, the deepest darkest stores of love and energy that awaken with motherhood.
