Please don’t ever hold my hair

I am not the kind of girl who needs someone to hold my hand.  Maybe because I’m really independent.  Maybe because I am impatient.  I don’t know.  But I just don’t need anyone to go with me for appointments or sit with me when I’m sick.  I don’t need a lot.  So if you ask me to call if I need something and I don’t, its nothing personal.  I almost never need something.  The whole idea of someone holding my hair when I vomit completely repulses me.  If I’m going to be sick, I don’t want an audience.  Vomiting is disgusting.  The only thing more disgusting than vomiting is seeing someone else do it.  Now please don’t get offended if you are one of those girls who needs someone to hold their hair.  We all need different things.  The first time I encountered one of *those* girls I was completely thunderstruck.  I was on study abroad in India with about a dozen other college kids.  Everyone had stomach trouble of some kind and we all had to hear about it ad nauseum.  Literally.  There was this one flighty, dramatic girl who got on my nerves.  She was complaining to a small group girls about her roommate.  Her complaint was that she was in the bathroom getting sick and she knew her roommate could hear but didn’t bother to come hold her hair.  “What?” I said.  I’m pretty reserved.  She repeated the roommate’s offense.  “You are going to have to grow up and get over it.” I said.  Out loud.  Usually I relegate such comments to my inner-dialogue.  “Nobody wants to see you puke, that’s disgusting.” The whole idea was so foreign to me.  The hair-holder was all tight lipped and sulky.  Luckily we were never roommates.

The only thing that I ever let myself cry about in this whole process of getting “the good cancer” was the fact that I’d have to be away from my kids.  My baby.  Before she even left the womb I fretted about leaving her for surgery.  Then when she was two months I started dreading the RAI.  I got to see them tonight from a distance.  Hannah fussed for a minute for me to hold her and then somehow she realized that I wasn’t going to and she sort of wrote me off.  Gabe was hamming it up like crazy making me laugh so hard but he didn’t understand why I couldn’t hold him and it made me so sad.  His confused little face… I know that they will forget all that.  But it makes me hurt on a whole different level.  Physical pain, nausea, fatigue–all that is nothing.  It really is.  Long, long ago I prized my hair as my “one great beauty”.  I thought if I ever got cancer I would rather die than lose my hair.  What an idiotic, immature thing to think.  LOL.  I am a mother now.  The only way to hurt me is to come between me and my kids.  I’d willingly pull out every hair on my head if it meant more time with my children.  They are the most beautiful things I’ve had the privilege of being a part of.  Every day that goes by I feel this radioactive bullet at work in me.  My thyroid bed is swollen and sore today.  Its working.  My thyroid is dying.  I thank my lucky stars I have a family that rocks!  While I’m here by myself healing, my mother-in-law was taking amazing care of my sweet babies with the help of my niece until this evening.  My mom is hugging and loving them now.  My husband spends every moment he can with them.  That is all I need right now.  I just need someone to take my place at loving my kids.  If they are happy and content I can do anything.  Except maybe paint the trim… I have yet to find the energy to start on that.

 

Day 3

I’ve managed to get 10% of what I thought I’d accomplish done so far.  I really didn’t plan on feeling so worn out.  Today is a new day though.  I took my drugs just over an hour ago, which means I can now eat whatever I want.  Not so hungry still.  And surprise, surprise!  I’m down a whole pound.  Hooray.  I did get Gabe’s baby book put together mostly.  I cheated and tried one of those digital scrapbook things you can put together on-line and have printed up.  It looks like its going to be way cheaper and I don’t have a pile of crap anywhere.  I just need to get my mom to email me pictures of his first birthday because as I recall, our camera had died and we were living at mom’s when Gabe turned 1.  Such a cutie.  For Hannah I’m debating about going the old-fashioned route because the baby books are until age 1 and she’s only 9 months.  I don’t know if I can just store the digital book for three months or if they automatically delete it after a time.  Plus I did get some awesome scrap booking stuff from a friend of mine who heard I wanted to get the baby books done.  It would be a shame not to use it.  Since it is day 3 I am going to venture out, carefully.  I went for a walk last night and I was shocked how cool it is outside.  Probably because the humidity is so low.  Awesome.  That means my hair will look good.

So the kids are still doing well.  Hila was sick yesterday morning.  I swear she inherited her weak stomach from BJay’s side.  She threw up a few times in the morning and slept.  Then she woke up, ate a huge lunch and was fine.  She also had two plates of spaghetti for dinner.  BJay’s theory is that she was sick from taking a bite of the unripe peaches she and Carter destroyed.  Maybe.  Hannah is happy and content and Gabe is absolutely slaying everyone with his charm.  I need to take a picture of snaggle-tooth Asher.  We made Grumpa pull out one of his front teeth on Sunday because we could see the permanent one coming in.  That baby tooth was crazy, the root hadn’t quite dissolved but it had to go.  It had been loose for months.  Asher said it really hurt.  Poor little guy.  He’s missing 3 teeth now, its so cute.  The kids will go to my mom’s today.  My brother and his family will also be coming in today.  I can’t wait to see them!  If only I had a bubble to walk around in.

 

Everything going according to plan (mostly)

I noticed last night that my salivary glands were a bit sore.  This was expected.  The cool thing about our bodies is that they are designed so perfectly well.  The low iodine diet I’ve been following may have been a waste of time.  But I did it despite my Dr.’s opinion being that the LID has “limited relevance”.  What I learned is that there is no telling exactly how much iodine our bodies need.  Its not like we use iodine and flush it out.  Actually we use iodine and recycle it back into the salivary glands, use it and recycle back into the the salivary glands, etc.  Pretty cool.  That is why my saliva is super-radioactive a lot longer than the rest of my fluids.  And that is why my salivary glands are a bit sore today.  Not crazy sore, and I don’t need a Tylenol yet.  I’m just aware of this process.  I’ve also lost my appetite.  That might be the LID.  I’m just literally so sick of my choices I’d rather not eat.  I’m definitely not going to waste away though!  I’m off the diet tomorrow and if I ever feel hungry again I’m totally going to eat some pizza.  Plus I’m supposed have sour candy today every 20 minutes to keep the salivary glands active and flush out the RAI in them.  That should destroy the remaining thin layer of enamel on my crappy “English” teeth.  I can also start back on my beautiful drugs tomorrow.  I definitely started feeling the effects of no drugs on Sunday.  At least I don’t have to suffer much longer.  Hello Cytomel and Synthroid!  I’ve missed you so.  And on the subject of the things I miss…  I got a full report from BJay last night as he rocked my baby girl to sleep.  I got to hear the sweet sounds of her “singing” as she drifted off.  She’s okay.  When she was quiet I could just see her there peaceful and content curled up on her daddy’s chest.  That image makes this so much easier.  Hila is being  corrupted entertained by her cousin Carter who is down visiting with his older brother, Adam.  Hila and Carter are mirror images of Adam and Ellie (the teenage versions who are watching my children during the day).  Its sweet. Hila and Carter are a little less helpful though, yesterday they picked the little green unripened peaches off of Grandma’s peach tree and threw them everywhere.  I heard Pops had stern words for them on that score.  Gabe is apparently tagging along with the Hila and Carter duo and Asher is entertaining himself as usual.  Even, or I should say, especially when there are cousins or friends visiting that are Asher’s age and boys Hila has a way of becoming fast friends.  I’m uneasy what that portends.  I’m glad they are all well and having fun though.  BJay said for FHE last night he gave the kids their little stuffed animals I had bought and read them the little love notes I wrote.  Just 5 more days…

 

Never you fear

BJay stopped by to bring me sour candy and flowers. The safe distance he kept reminded me of before we were engaged. What flatters me now is that I see how it must feel to fear the one you love. He was all teary-eyed and gloomy and it made me feel somewhat mortal. I was on this radioactive power-trip and I just realized that the people I love are worried about me. Never you fear loves! I am interned here safe and cozy in my brown slippers Crysta gave me before my first surgery and in my pink pj bottoms I bought with Piper in CA right after I found out I was pregnant with Asher. I’m feeling fine, but still sleepy after my nap so tackling the trim painting will have to wait a little bit. I have tons of reading and projects to do. I try not to think about my sweet babies because I don’t want my radioactive tears to flood the house. In the grand scheme of things, this is really just a moment. And very brief. A small price to pay for a lifetime with the people I love the most.

 

I’m totally hot.

So this is day one of my radioactive blog-athon. I received my dose of 150milicures of radio-active iodine this morning just before 11am. The dose was secure in a vial inside of a (lead?) container that I sipped through a straw without picking it up off the counter. The first time I took the .5milicure dose I thought I detected a slightly tingly sensation, but not so this time. Must have imagined it or something. One moment I was just Jessica, thyroid cancer patient and seconds later I became Jessica, radioactive bio-hazard. LOL. Its interesting I hadn’t thought much about how I’d feel as a radioactive person, but it was very odd. The Nuclear Radiation safety officer took a reading. (Nobody was wearing hazmat suites or anything, and my dosing didn’t take place behind any kind of screen.) There were people in chairs, possibly awaiting their own doses of something crazy. Then the NRSO immediately escorted me out of the hospital. It took three elevator passes to find one empty of other passengers. The first two had moms and babies. Then I was set free into the great wide world, pulsating with radiation and everyone was completely unaware. I had this odd empowering burst of energy when I stepped out into the sun after waiting around 2 hours in the basement. I felt the sun beating down on me and for the first time in my life I felt like I could challenge it back. Take that, sun! You aren’t the only one emitting radiation today! Of course I steered clear of everyone, walking at least 10 feet away from people, got in my car and drove strait home. I like the idea of being able to refer to myself unabashedly as “hot”. In a minute I’m going to take a nap and focus all my energy on seeking out and ablating all those leftover thyroid cells. The dosimetry study showed that my body is very efficient in eliminating this radioactive stuff fairly quickly. I should be safe around other people in 3-5 days my Dr said. At the 7 day point he said I can effectively stop all precautions. There was no evidence of any cancer spread and it looks like only about 5% of my thyroid remains after surgery. All good signs and its quite possible that I won’t need another RAI. Time will tell. Right now I believe we can kick this pesky little cancer’s butt the first try.