It is time to drag out the anti-war poetry.

War is Kind
by Stephen Crane (1871-1900)

Do not weep, maiden, for war is kind.
Because your lover threw wild hands toward the sky
And affrighted steed ran on alone,
Do not weep
War is kind.

Horse, booming drums of the regiment,
Little souls who thirst for fight,
These men were born to drill and die.
The unexplained glory flies above them,
Great is the battle god, great, and his kingdom
A field where a thousand corpses lie.

Do not weep, babe, for war is kind.
Because your father tumbled in the yellow trenches,
Raged at his breast, gulped and died,
Do not weep.
War is kind.

Swift blazing flag of the regiment,
Eagle with crest of red and gold,
These men were born to drill and die.
Point for them the virtue of slaughter,
Make plain to them the excellence of killing
And a field where a thousand corpses lie.

Mother whose hear hung humble as a button
On the bright splendid shroud of your son,
Do not weep,
War is kind.

Dulce Et Decorum Est
Wilfred Owen (1893-1918)

Bent double, like old beggars under
sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And toward our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.

Gas! Gas! Quick boys!–An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime…
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil’s sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,–
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Ducle et decorum est
Pro patria mori.

Its time to know what we’re asking. And I’m not sure that we know. I’m not sure its okay to send men off to die when we don’t know who the enemy is anymore. Or maybe when we’re just out-gunned with evil. Who sets a trap designed to slaughter those going to the aid of the wounded? Not anyone I’d want to die for. Not anyone I’d want to defend.

Summer is almost over.  The end to lazy days is near.  I’ve had blogshame for weeks, but I just couldn’t muster the energy to write anything.  Here is a run-down of the happenings of late:

Hannah is a bit of a nudist.  She keeps taking off her diaper whenever she gets tired of it.  I thought this was a sign that she wanted to potty train.  It went well the first week.  But then I realized that I’m the one who is potty trained.  I have to ask her every few minutes if she needs to go.  When the mood strikes her she will.  Its not actually more convenient to have a <2 year old “potty trained”.

Asher has joined the ranks of cub scouts.  He is adorable in his little cub scout uniform.  Last week we went to the firehouse and the firefighters let the cubs climb their ladder truck.  Asher did not want to do it.  He waited until the last minute and then changed his mind.  I was so proud of him.  The next day I was bragging to BJay that Asher overcame his fear and climbed the ladder.  Asher then informed me that he did it because one of the other cub scouts called him a scaredy cat.  Great.

Hila is getting very tall.  And very insightful.  She is also the peacemaker of the family.  Asher got in trouble the other evening and lost his brownie privileges.  I later found out that Hila halved hers and gave it to Asher in secret.  She also helped Gabe get his room cleaned so that he would be able to go to the store with me.  Is she a peacemaker or an underminer?  I should call her little-mommy because she sort of deals out her own justice anyway…

Gabe is exceedingly cute.  I do my best not to let his adorable-ness affect me but its impossible.  As a result, I think he is learning to set boundries.  He is constantly telling me, “Mom, I love you but I don’t want to hug you right now.”  or “Mom, I love you, but I don’t have time to clean my room.”  Who can argue with that?

BJay has decided that he really wants to teach school.  And I have finally seen the wisdom in supporting this decision.  I made him apply for a job in Danville, VA that would have been perfect for him.  A Physics teacher in a great magnet HS.  He would have taught Physics, Aerodynamics, and coached the robotics club.  When he got the job I had to convince him not to take it.  It was really hard, but the logistics didn’t work out.  For one thing, Danville wasn’t as great as I had made it out to be in my head.  It was downright depressing actually.  Very depressed area.  And the other limiting factor was owning our house.  BJay would have to commute.  It just didn’t add up, in the end.  We couldn’t make it work.  But, I feel confident that he will have no problem finding a job teaching science.

I am getting ready to home school the kids this year.  I’m really excited about it and I have lots of fun things planned already.  I hope they cooperate.

Do not watch this movie… its gross. Robert Downey Jr was amazing, but seeing a fat Tom Cruise dance like an idiot is all you need to see. Seriously.

Eleven years ago today, BJay and I got married. What I remember from that morning are

1. I didn’t want to wash my hair the day before because I didn’t want my hair to be too curly.
2. I didn’t have any white shoes so I wore slippers with my wedding dress (even outside in November).
3. I didn’t want to fuss with my appearance. I think about that decision all the time. In the temple where we were married there is a beautiful bride’s room. Its like some fairytale dressing room with lighted mirrors and everything you could need to freshen up. I refused to go in. The temple matron insisted I at least look at the place so I did. I checked my appearance in the mirror and decided I was fine. I wore my hair down in loose curls, lipstick, eyeliner and mascara. That was it.
4. When it was time for me to say the most important word of my life during the actual ceremony… you know the “I do” except in ours it is “yes” my voice failed. I said the word and no sound came out. Somewhere, deep down I guess I was nervous. I don’t remember feeling nervous at all.
5. My friends were there, my family was there… my dad was there.
6. Smiling hurt after a while.

I don’t know why nothing I remember was directly about BJay. I’m guessing that is because we are old married people now. Our relationship is comfortable. Its like we’ve always been together. Last year on our anniversary we went to Chapel Hill to get the pathology results from my 2nd thyroid surgery. Now that cancer is mostly behind me I thought this year we could celebrate without thinking about it. This morning I woke up with a super-swollen jaw. One of my salivary glands has decided to get backed up 5 months after my RAI. It only hurts if I eat, but I look like a lop-sided chipmunk. This morning BJay wished me a happy anniversary in bed and I felt my jaw and asked him if he could see the swelling and he said something that made me feel like I had grown a second head. LOL. I emailed my Dr. and he said its normal. I guess this is just a friendly reminder that our love can overcome everything. Even mutant faces. A year or two after we were married, I made BJay this little scrapbook with all our sappy emails and all my love poetry. I’m going to torture everyone with some things from that book today. To start, my first love letter… a declaration really:

B.J. (That was before I knew he spelled his name BJay, the letter came with the gift of a sling-shot)

I bought this sling shot in Pakistan at Friday market in Islamabad. Later that day we drove to Taxila, which is about an hour’s drive from Islamabad. Taxila is in the foothills of Pakistan near Afghanistan. I don’t remember why I bought the sling shot, I think it was just cool or something. But later, in Taxila, I was walking with Ann up to some old Buddhist ruins. On the way we passed some children bathing in a stream. There were rolling green pastures and the sun was just setting. On the way back I saw a shepherd boy with his dog. he was moving his sheep toward home by throwing rocks at them. I remembered the sling shot from Friday market and I took it out of my bag to give to him but for some reason I didn’t. Either I got really shy, or I thought Ann would get mad at me or maybe I just though it was a stupid idea. Anyway, I passed by the boy and his dog and just as I was out of earshot I snapped a picture. So I have this memory of that strange, slow time and a silhouette of a boy and his dog standing at the top of a hill at sunset.

Every time I see that sling shot I think of something unfinished. So many times I come to a perfect moment with something to give or say and the courage or words just get choked up in me. And then the moment passes and whatever it was is just a frustrated memory. How many times have I wondered, “why am I awkward, why am I graceless” (This was a quote from Dostoyevsky’s Notes from the Underground, a book I later tried to give BJay to read). But time will prove this to be my alibi some day. I think that admiration is the focus of joy, so whatever I have admired in you has been pleasant. I wanted you to have this sling shot to remind you to (this is where I misspelled “seize” as “cease” a mistake that I realized as soon as I gave the letter and as soon as I was in possession of the letter again I inked in the correct spelling) the day. I feel so fearless sometimes, as if the whole world is open to me and I can touch the heart of it’s mystery. And at the same time I can get to such heights and let some idle fear stop me from finding something new. i have always wanted to know you, dear Bridger, and I can’t even talk to you. Perfect excuses have always found me. My awkwardness and gracelessness seem to have swallowed me. I don’t know why. Probably because I think so much of you.

Its funny how comfortable it is to write this. Please don’t think I’m strange for writing this letter. I hope you have a Merry Christmas.

(I didn’t even sign it.)

BTW, I was 19 and fairly… young. So please don’t point out to me that a shepherd might not want to use a sling shot to herd his own sheep… I get that now.

Oh, later I found this note in my car (from BJay)

Behold, thou art fair, my love;
behold, thou are fair; thou hast
dove’s eyes within thy locks: thy
hair is a flock of goats, that appear
from Mt. Gilead.
(Song of Soloman 4:1)

and two more short poems…

Attraction

Predatory glances
fill me–
caught
by your gaze
I swallow the
helium welling up in me
and look
past you
to the wall.

The air is a fever–
(we are) magnets
not touching
but
overwhelmingly
drawn…

muse
If i took your words
and laid them at your feet
could you feel them the
way I do?
Each syllable precise
Each phrase, lisping,
stammering,
dripping constant.
I lean on them through
the hours of the day
I hear your voice
softly distant.

I am fastened to you
by the sounds you press on me–
they are trophies for my ears,
kisses on my heart.

The Reindeer Shop project I signed up for is at mission critical. We have less than 2 weeks to go and we’re at just over 1/2 of our completed inventory. I’m in the midst of a sewing nightmare/frenzy. I will be finished with this just in time to get my own Christmas projects going… Somehow I feel like this Holiday season is going to be over in a blink! I’m not going to be a terrific blogger for the next few weeks, but I do have a goal to get up photos from Halloween and some updated photos of the kids sometime soon. I hope ya’ll are having fun.

*Oh and I did get my Tg # back from my endocrinologist and its down to .01, so very close to the undetectable we’re looking for. Even still at .01 its awesome! I have a follow-up with my surgeon today…maybe he’ll refer me to someone about the keloid that developed on my scar… or not. Scars are cool I guess.

You should read this article by Wendy Button, speach writer for Obama, Edwards, and Clinton on this election.  Here are some of my favorite lines:

“As the nation slouches toward disaster, the level of political discourse is unworthy of this moment in history. We have Republicans raising Ayers and Democrats fostering ageism with “erratic” and jokes about Depends. Sexism. Racism. Ageism and maybe some Socialism have all made their ugly cameos in election 2008. It’s not inspiring. Perhaps this is why I found the initial mocking of Joe so offensive…”

“…Governor Palin and I don’t agree on a lot of things, mostly social issues. But I have grown to appreciate the Governor. I was one of those initial skeptics and would laugh at the pictures. Not anymore. When someone takes on a corrupt political machine and a sitting governor, that is not done by someone with a low I.Q. or a moral core made of tissue paper. When someone fights her way to get scholarships and work her way through college even in a jagged line, that shows determination and humility you can’t learn from reading Reinhold Niebuhr. When a mother brings her son with special needs onto the national stage with love, honesty, and pride, that gives hope to families like mine as my older brother lives with a mental disability. And when someone can sit on a stage during the Sarah Palin rap on Saturday Night Live, put her hands in the air and watch someone in a moose costume get shot—that’s a sign of both humor and humanity.

Has she made mistakes? Of course, she’s human too. But the attention paid to her mistakes has been unprecedented compared to Senator Obama’s “57 states…”

And here’s to changing your mind! I am a die-hard republican so of course I applaud this article. But honestly the ugly part of politics is just so infuriating. I have always thought the treatment of Joe the plumber way way out of line. And I am just appalled at the treatment of Sarah Palin. So she got a new wardrobe? Why is that news? And I don’t get how in 2008 the level of sexism is tolerated. Women should bail on the democratic candidate in droves. (Setting aside the fact that McCain picked a female running mate.) If you look at the people McCain has on staff for his campaign, the women he’s hired earn $1.04 to Obama’s .83 cents on the dollar compared to male staff.  I am no feminist but I find it insulting that the tactic democrats are using to neutralize Palin’s popularity is to attack her intelligence and fashion sense.  It seems a huge step back to me.

My friend Jamie posted this on her blog. It is a comment from this post at Hillbuzz. While you are there check out the article Romney: Obama Would Kill Millions of Jobs

If you don’t want to take the time to read this, basically VOTE!  OBAMA WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE THE ELECTION IS ALL WRAPPED UP AND HE’S GOING TO WIN BUT ITS NOT TRUE.  Vote for McCain, he’s the best candidate this time around.

# sarah p Says:
October 27, 2008 at 5:04 am

Ok, I want to clear my conscious a little. Hopefully you could make a blog post to help some fellow clinton supporters out.

I work for a campaign and can’t wait for this week to be over.

I was doing it for a job. I was not a fan of any candidate but over time grew to love HRC.

The internal campaign idea is to twist, distort, humiliate and finally dispirit you.

We pay people and organize people to go to all the online sites and “play the part of a clinton or mccain supporter who just switched our support for obama”

We do this to stifle your motivation and to destroy your confidence.

We did this the whole primary and it worked.

Sprinkle in mass vote confusion and it becomes bewildering. Most people lose patience and just give up on their support of a candidate and decide to just block out tv, news, websites, etc.

This surprisingly has had a huge suppressing movement and vote turnout issues.

Next, we infiltrate all the blogs and all the youtube videos and overwhelm the voting, the comments, etc. All to continue this appearance of overwhelming world support.

People makes posts to the effect that the world has “gone mad”

Thats the intention. To make you feel stressed and crazy and feel like the world is ending.

We have also had quite a hand in skewing many many polls, some we couldn’t control as much as we would have liked. But many we have spoiled over. Just enough to make real clear politics look scarey to a mccain supporter. Its worked, alough the goal was to appear 13-15 points ahead.

see, the results have been working. People tend to support a winner, go with the flow, become “sheeple”

The polls are roughly 3-5 points in favor of Barack. Thats due to our inflation of the polls and pulling in the sheeple.

Our donors, are the same people who finance the MSM. Their interests are tied, Barack then tends to come across as teflon. Nothing sticks. And trust, there were meetings with Fox news. The goal was to blunt them as much as possible. Watch Bill Oreilly he has become much more diplomatic and “fair and balanced” and soft. Its because he wants to retain the #1 spot on cable news and to do that he has to have access to the Obama campaign and we worked hard at stringing him a long and keeping him soft for an interview swap. It worked and now he is anticipating more access. So he is playing it still soft.

This is why nothing sticks.

The operation is massive, the goal is to paint a picture that is that of a winner, regardless of the results.

There is no true inauguration draft or true grant park construction going on. There will be a party, but we are boasting beyond the truth to make it seem like the election is wrapped up.

Our goal is to continue to make you lose your moral. We worked hard at persuasion and paying off and timing and playing the right political numbers to get key republican endorsements to make it seem even more like it was over and the world was coming to an end for you all.

There is a huge staff of people working around the clock, watching every site, blogs, etc. We flood these sites. We have had a goal to overwhelm.

The truth is here. I could go on and on, but you get the picture.

I am saying this because I know HRC was better for the country, and now realize this. I was too late by the time I connected to her. To me Barack was just a cool young dude that seemed like a star. I didn’t know him or his policies, but now I understand more than I care to and I realize his interests are more for him, and the DNC and all working like puppets with dean. I always thought a president wanted the better good for the country. The end result I see is everyone dependent on the government, this means more and more people voting for the DNC. This means the future is forever altered. I don’t see this as america, so I am now supporting John Mccain.

Sarah Palin is a huge threat, and our campaign has feared her like you can’t imagine. If it seems unfair how she has been treated, well its because she has had a team working round the clock to make her look like a fool.

this is a big conspiracy and I am so shocked that its not realized.

We released a little blurb the other day that the Obama campaign was already working on reelection and now putting our efforts towards 2012. This was to make it seem like it was above us to continue caring about 2008. Trust me, its a lie. David is very smart, but its a sticky ugly not very truthful kind of intelligence.

Its not over yet, but I think the machine is working. And its a hill to climb.

I will be quitting my post on nov 5th and my vote will be for John Mccain. Fortunately, my position has been a marketing position and I don’t feel I had any part of anything I would feel guilty for. But I look forward to getting out of this as the negativity and environment upsets me.

I wish you all well, and goodluck.

PS my name is not really sarah. but I am a female and I understand your plight.

I set out for a time adrift.
This body, this mind are not all spent.
Its scarred and lovely, warm and pure.

I’ve set out for a time, adrift.
Forgetting all but litanies of self-reproach.
Forgetting all but empty words.
Forgetting all but mundane tasks.

I’ve set out for a time, adrift.
Watching from the back to see where I’ll float.
Each day bending, dripping like the last.
Each day further from the shore,
further from the place I was.
Aging as I go.

I set out for a time, adrift.
Forgetting where my compass lies.
I set out into the deep wide ocean.
Deep and blue and stretching wide.

I will not let her pull me under,
blue arms grasping, reaching, pulling.

I am Kali fierce and piercing.
Five sets of arms in all directions.
I can not rest or dream or falter.
Surging on and further on.

I set out for a time, adrift.
I laid down softly for a time contented.
I woke up full and strong and wanting.

I cut out all the black and empty.

hot pink lines and swollen scars remain,
I’m healing.

I stood up and placed my foot on water.
I walk, I run, I fly on solid ground.

There are so many military families in our community, I almost feel like the oddball sometimes.  The core group of us who are volunteering for the Reindeer Shop are all military except me.  At church, all the men our age are military.  Sometimes BJay talks about joining the military just to fit in.  Its come up more than once.  I usually dismiss the idea by reminding BJay that I didn’t sign up for single-parenthood.  Well last night on the way home from shopping in Fayetteville BJay mentioned AGAIN something about joining the military and I finally asked him if he was serious.  He said that he was, kind of.  ???  So I opened up for discussion with the kids.  “Who wants Daddy to be in the Army?”  Hila piped up in the back seat, “I do! My friend Jacqualine’s dad is in the army!”  I then asked, “Hila why do you want Daddy to be in the army?”

“Because they help children.”

BJay then asked Hila how she knew that men in the army helped children and she said,

“Remember when we went to the movies and that movie came on about the army?”

This movie:

*BJay is not joining the military btw.